"I feel I ran the best campaign I could under the circumstances, but the smokin' hot, 20-year-old babes flocking to me never really materialized like I had planned," said Frederick, 40 1/2 years old, at a hastily arranged press conference outside his small, poorly lit, beige cubicle. "Therefore my mid-life crisis couldn't gather the momentum it needed to sustain itself. And so, after much prayer and deliberation, I've decided to sell the motorcycle in order to spend quality time with my family planning a second bathroom, so that I may one day sit on the can in uninterrupted peace. That's more important to me right now."
In an exclusive interview following the press conference, Frederick opened up about the moment when he knew his mid-life crisis was in trouble. "It was on the strip in Old Orchard Beach last summer, when a comely young woman asked me to put my shirt back on because my alabaster skin - well, I think she might have used the term 'pasty' - was burning her Chihuahua's retinas. But it wasn't what she said, exactly, that got to me. It was the fact that she called me 'sir.' " Frederick's eyes moistened. " 'Sir.' I knew right then and there I had no chance of pulling in any more delegates. Plus there was a cash crunch. My wife cut off my gas money allowance."
Frederick declined to declare his support of any of his relatives mid-life crises, although he said, "I'm going to keep an eye on Andrew. I suspect that in a few years, he may rebel and get a corporate job and vote Republican. Could really shake up the establishment."
As far as the future of his beloved Suzuki, or "crotch rocket" as he insisted on calling it (much to the distress of his saintly, long-suffering wife Laurie), Frederick says he is not worried. "I have a feeling it may not go too far. In fact, right now, my brother Pete is reading this thinking, 'Hey, that is a pretty nice bike, and the price is reasonable, and I've got room in the garage.' "
After all he has been through, Frederick remains optimistic. "I still believe strongly in the mid-life crisis process. It may be ugly at times, but it's necessary for the institution of manhood. I will definitely be there helping my friends' mid-life crises, you know, doing my part by telling them that pony tails look great on guys, goatees are still in style, that sort of thing."
3 comments:
Actually Jim, brother Pete is thinking and wondering where my example went wrong. A good mid-life crisis should last much longer than your attempt. I'll admit it does get much harder as one matures. I have found the need to retire just to have the extra time required. I mean the Grecian Formula treatments, liposuction, and the minor surgeries for things that try and colonize your body all take time. Not to mention the care and maintenance required on those material objects that represent the various periods of fantasy one goes through. My advice is to buck up, put the motorcycle away and let it slowly diminish is value. Then take your full face helmet and paste a picture of a young lovely waving towards someone on the inside of the visor. You'll be amazed at how far that can take you when you sit in the garage, astride that beast with all your gear on, pretending the motorcycle, and you, still have have it goin on.
Wow, that's really sad. That bike was the only reason I talked to you. Well, good luck, and I hope everything comes out ok with the new john. I imagine at your age, that's more of a pressing issue anyway.
Hey! What's wrong with a goatee?!!
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